don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
Just sponge bathed with a swissper. Thrush inevitable. Shaking.
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I'm not saying you're stupid, just that you have bad luck when thinking...
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
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