If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I found a playlist on my ipod with only one song on it: gold digger. confused, but not surprised.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
It's no shave November. This is our time.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Randomize
