he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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