I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
I miss Bob Barker.
Yeah, more like Douche Carey...
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
