he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I think Charlie st. Cloud is the saddest thing I can masturbate to.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
