At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
I tried telling the cop that I don't do drugs, and that if he'd just take me home I could prove it by showing him my D.A.R.E. certificate.
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
