I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Wow, you were right... Weed does start conversations
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
now you know why we've never bought a 12 pack of king cobras before.
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
