singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I just saw a kid walk into class with his dad. Fuck his life.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
