i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
I was going to say I needed the exercise but now all I can think about is BJs
My work here is done
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
Why do I like him? He literally has no redeeming qualities.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize
