It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
I could have mohawked her pubes.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.
There are panties and mini bottles of Fireball in my purse. Except for the broken toe incident, I'd say last night was probably a success.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
Randomize
