Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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