My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
At least you got a round of applause for dancing like vanilla ice across the street and into the bar. Even as you were getting carded
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
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