The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
Besides he said his dick was as big as a loaf of bread and that it was broken. So I was like u have half a head of hair and a broken dick that looks like bread. No thanks. Im good.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
Randomize
