i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.
Something to remember me by.
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
Randomize
