I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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