Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
I feel a little uneasy about having my grandma sleep in my bed that I've banged chicks in not too long ago... Fuckin blizzards
He doesn't have much of a personality but he makes up for it with his sexual prowess
keeper.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
Pretty sure my aunt hooked up with one of my brothers frat brothers at his graduation party
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