Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
She has a lazy eye!
My other option is a hardwood floor
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
