I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
He was visibly upset that you'd rather eat nachos than have sex with him.
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.
You would think the bank would reward me for getting my account down to 3 cents without overdrafting it.
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
classified somewhere between kinky and medically inadvisable
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
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