This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
sorry for showing your butt to the bar
sorry for licking your cheek
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
yes that’s a photo of a horny gay donkey
Oh I know. I’ve known many horny gay donkeys in my time.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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