Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
the new term for farting is butt boxing.
You know it's time to leave Spain when you are back and forth between Skype and a Spanish dictionary trying to figure out out to say "I can still smell you on my skin."
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I don't know why I do this to myself his dick is a constant source of disappointment.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
