ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
He cannot be your sugar daddy. He looks like a literal hot dog.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
Can you get winded from lip syncing? I don't know how Britney does it
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
