Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I searched the house and found a small bottle of sherry which is probably as old as I am, has prob gone off and tastes like shit. I don't care any more. It has come to this.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
he's singing something in russian and knocking over my plants with his dick, get his drunk ass out of my apartment
HE STUCK IT IN THE FISHBOWL WTF
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
I saw a drunk guy run across the street with an American flag between his buttcheeks.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
