I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
how are you shocked you fucked her? sure shes hot, but she also washed your beerpong balls in her mouth..... you should probably get tested.
I am pretty damn sure that neither my body or his body is ready for how drunk I am getting tonight
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
Randomize
