and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I gave him a blowjob to kill bill. 2 of my favorite things.
Randomize
