If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
so on my way home this naked dude runs right in front me his weiner at half mast screaming i'm only doing this cause its a 50 dollar dare
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I finished OITNB and broke it off with my fuck buddy in the same day. It's going to be a rough week
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
poll: am I friendzoned if he just called me brochacha? on one hand, he called me bro, but on the other, he used the a to make it feminine.
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