They keep asking what you are doing. I told them to quit calling her "what."
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
Randomize
