I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
Some man just said he would jack off to my hair color.
I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
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