Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Found out in my property law class that you can sell your eggs for $8000. Helloooo spring break.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
What did you give up for lent?
Diet and excersize. And I'm never going back...
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