Just woke up naked in my storage cubby and some one rearragned my whole room?
no jk, not my room
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
so i decided to listen to you and went ahead and slept with him. you owe me 3 minutes
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
