Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
He said he would get me a helmet and bedazzle it with my name and address so the cabs would know where to take me
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