I just hope my dad was drunk enough to not remember the whole convo we had about anal.
She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
am i gonna have visuals on this?
you are gonna see the trees puking up fireworks and ninja pheonixes will shit rainbows and fire
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Randomize
