well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
Do you know my vagina holds 14 pints of water?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
she told me i tasted like america
Hmmm just stalked him and according to his facebook he wants "whatever he can get." obviously he'd be open to the idea.
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
