dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
Randomize
