She's JV to your varsity
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.
I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
My dad told me to bring weed to easter Sunday dinner..
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
So there we are, fucking beneath the Christmas tree and I glance up and see one of the local Jehovah's witnesses staring in horror through the decorative glass in the front door. I'm so proud of us.
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