Who is this?
Who do you want it to be?
Sarah Palin
I've got the updo, bangs, and glasses, but I'm blonde
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Sometimes you just have to have sex for a Netflix password.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
Randomize
