I'm lost and stupid without you.
You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
He literally chugged a bottle of wine in under 2 minutes. Stood up, said "fuck what ya heard" and stabbed the bottle into their drywall.
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
