you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
Do not deep throat a rocket pop, it WILL go into your lungs, and you may die.
Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Oh good, bag of butt plugs is in my predictive text now
Typing the whole thing out was getting to be such a chore
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
couldn't remember his name. introduced him as 'mr multiple orgasms'
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