based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
In local news, attempts to hide phone from extremely drunk self prove unsuccessful for Dallas woman.
barely 48 hours and I've done the dirty on both of my roommates beds before they've even slept in them
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Randomize