I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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