Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I'm definitely not at Wal-Mart eating jalapeno poppers with an elevated blood alcohol content
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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