alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I just balanced a full glass of chocolate milk on my left boob. Don't think i've ever been more proud.
Randomize
