So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
If one more person calls me a lesbian I am going to have to give you head in public.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
We've been staking out a taco bell for 2 hours trying to find last night's one night stand
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Randomize
