You supply the liquor and I'll "accidently" forget my bathing suit.
Deal!
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Randomize
