dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
You may have cured my horniness. I feel like my libido just got shat on by kittens who live on an enchanted rainbow.
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
Randomize
