My girlfriend figured out who you are.
i have a feeling he has a nice dick. i can just sense it.
why was he too nerdy?
he was a tetris block for halloween
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Randomize
