My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
Turns out the creepy dude who bought us tequila shots was the friend of a friend who then got us a table and several large bottles of champagne.
Never judge a man by his mustache.
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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