They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
I'm warming McDonald's pies on my heater cause I'm too high for the microwave.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
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