Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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