i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
I think our maternal nature is best focused on grown ass men and cats.
Randomize
