Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?
Ya, why?
We should try that some time.
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
Randomize
