just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
You peed on someones bathroom floor while saying people are rude for not flushing
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
my boobs just made me lose a game of beer pong. the balls hit them, bounced off and into the cup. twice. ive never been so disappointed in them.
Randomize
