please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
Caleb has a beard comb now. Also I have a pube comb now too. May or may not be related incidents
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
In between explaining the best feminist lenses for the myth of Persephone and doing vodka shots with my friends she dragged me into my car and gave me an Earth shattering blow job. Honestly I think I'm in love.
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