I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
still using moms red Christmas cookie plate she sent to cut lines on. not sure I can return with a clear conscious
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
We also had rum, but now that's all gone. Which I feel is appropriate for a pirate party.
He called me piss drunk at 7:30pm while cooking bacon and said he was going to bed. I don't think he's taking it well.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
I am literally this close to screaming out my window if anyone nearby was down to fuck. I am too damn horny.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
