Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
I think all I remember saying is, "I love Chris Berman's voice" and then I passed out
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
You're a waste of cheezeits
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
If there was a gecko involved in your BDSM I'm gonna have to request that not happen when we live together ;)
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Randomize
