I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
I decided to buy a keg of Miller Lite instead of paying the electric bill. Just thought I'd give you a heads up...
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Also what is the name of Americas thing where we had a holy obligation to expand westward? I'm going name my new lighter that.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Randomize
