Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
Just to be a PITA after I die, my will leaves 1 cent to each of my FB friends. I hate my lawyer.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
