i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
I Once took so much Ecstacy that I tried to hug a fire.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
we had a 10 minute conversation with his family about how I don't let him eat me out. I want to go home
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Welp, dad and I drunkenly sang Christmas carols until the police told us to stop. I vote Xmas eve a success
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
That awkward moment when you realize that last night you walked from in n out to petco, bought a mouse for $3, named it mogar, taught it how to skateboard on a techdeck, made it a home out of a trash can, fed it fruity pebbles and cheese, and then forgot where you left it.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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