I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
I was giving him a blowjob but we had to stop because he started crying when his cat walked in and started staring at us
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
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