mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
i jhust puked up my retainher.
I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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