I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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