and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
nothing like walking in the house at 3 am in my panties and a sheer shirt carrying a life sized cardboard dale earnhardt jr
Whenever I'm not in the mood and don't want to go to bed swampy, I just strategically suck him off during the second period intermission of the Cup playoffs and he leaves me alone and does the dishes. It's a win-win.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I am mentally ready for anal.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
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