If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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