do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
